That is my state of mind these days. So if you're not willing to get an earful (or eyeful, I suppose, if you are reading this), I would recommend you hang up now.
About three weeks ago, I came down with a horrific cold. The combination of a constant head cold, smokers cough, sore throat, and inability to sleep due to a horrible whooping cough made for one very unhappy Kelly Anne Rice. Clark got a little bit of it in the form of a cough and runny nose but it was short lived and he never seemed too bothered by it, and Aaron fought it off with six gallons of orange juice and Airborne. But I felt like death on wheels. So I guess that began the process of my immune system going to crap.
Approximately 30 seconds after I started to feel better from my death cold, I started to get another fever and out of freaking nowhere, I got shingles. Shingles. I got shingles. If you don't know what they are, just type the word "shingles" in Google images and there you go. It is undoubtedly the worse pain I've seen since the beginning of ever and being almost 33 weeks pregnant makes it quite unbearable. Let me take a couple of seconds to describe the pain.
Imagine somebody taking a knife to an already open wound and furiously twisting said knife until it reaches whatever bone is closest. Then multiply that by 75 different locations across your body.
Or, imagine taking a nap on a a pile of burning coals, and then when you wake up, somebody pours something acidic all over the burned places and your skin just slowly withers away.
Or, imagine the worst possible sunburn you could ever get, and then your worst enemy forcing a branding iron upon your body.
I'm going to stop there because it is kind of making me feel worse just thinking about it. To make matters worse, the ability to sleep has completely vacated me and I am literally going on about seven minutes of sleep at night. For the life of me, despite the crushing pain, I cannot get comfortable enough to actually let my body fall asleep. It is ridiculous.
Here is the good news: my mother and mother-in-law are little angels just floating around being awesome. On the day that the real pain started, my mother in law, sweet, sweet Debbie Rice, drove all the way to Jackson to pick Clark up and take him back to Hattiesburg so he doesn't have to watch me suffer and he gets to ride four wheelers and talk to cows and horsies all day. I miss the stew out of him, and seeing his picture every time I look at my phone makes me tear up. I miss his little laugh and the way he pronounces the word "coffee," and I would do anything for one big hug from a Dark Shark Tank. But I realize I am completely helpless right now and I can't even shower without screaming in pain, much less hold him or entertain him all day long. So I'm happy for him, and so very thankful for Debbie for taking the initiative. And my mom has been so diligent in bringing me meals so that I don't have to think ahead. I am pretty sure I would nix eating altogether from my daily routine if it were my own responsibility, and that would not be very nice to sweet Griffin. So she is keeping my belly full of good comfort food and has a great attitude about it. And she lets me complain to her all day long.
Speaking of Griffin, listen to this: at my last doctors appointment I got an ultrasound, and at 31 weeks, the little guy already weighs 5 pounds, 12 ounces. After establishing that he is perfectly healthy in there and I am healthy (or at least was pre-shingles), the doctor said I just grow big baby boys. Note to readers: Clark was a big ole baby. And because he will most likely continue to grow at an impressive rate, my doctor won't let me go past 39 weeks. That means our Grif will be here no later than December 13. Praise our Good Lord! I'm praying fervently that these shingles will be completely gone by then because as you can imagine, that would be miserable.
So these days, I am doing a lot of resting, wincing in pain, and taking my antiviral medications and painkillers. I'm trying hard to sleep, although unfortunately that is not really happening, and being sleep deprived is starting to get quite physically painful. I'm also kind of trying not to complain so much because it is getting old even to me, but so far that is not going so well because I am going to press "publish post" on this blog in about 20 seconds.
My next order of business is to research whether or not I can put myself in a medically induced coma for the next two weeks. I'd love to wake up one day and be able to take a shower without feeling like one of the above descriptive scenarios is taking place. I'd also love to just take a shower, because I look ridiculous.