Sunday, November 23, 2008

Letter to my husband.

Dear Aaron,

Since you are hard at work in the library on this Sunday afternoon and we never get to talk anymore, I thought I would write you a letter just updating you on what me and Jake have been up to these days. We're doing pretty good. We miss you a lot, but we understand that you are working hard so you can one day become the breadwinner in the family instead of me. I promise I'll try to quit calling you and complaining about how we never see each other anymore. I'm sure that doesn't help.

Jake is a marathon sleeper these days. He got a bath yesterday so now he's super soft like that nice Charmin toilet paper you always talk about. This is what he is doing at this exact second:

Thats right. He fell asleep on the lap top. Poor guy. We'll go throw the ball outside when I finish your letter.

As you have probably heard, I did get a job. I'm not good at it yet. In fact, one day last week was so bad I promised myself I would not go back. But I did go back because I can't stand the thought of not being awesome at something. I want to be the best dad gum receptionist those gastroenterologists have ever seen by gosh. I want those patients to be excited they get to go to the gastroenterogy office because they get to see me. That is not the case yet. I get yelled at by disgruntled patients a good bit, but I'm starting to not take it personally. I just don't understand why somebody is not happy to talk about their colon? Me and you talk about it all the time and we laugh about it. Some people are just rude I guess. I get paid next week, and this is good news for our checking account. If possible, try to not spend over ten dollars until Thursday. Ask some of your new law school friends to take you to dinner and you'll pay them back with a good political discussion. I will bring home leftovers from the free lunches I get at work and Jake will just drink a lot of water. We'll be fine.

My sweets fast isn't going as good as I had hoped. Last night, I had the biggest craving for cake that I have ever experienced. I walked from our bedroom to the refrigerator unable to stop myself from opening that Newk's bag and pulling out that piece of red velvet cake you brought home last week. I should have just thrown it away, but it was an out of body experience. My hands involuntarily opened the silverware drawer, pulled out a fork, grabbed a coke out of the refrigerator, and my mouth ate every last bite of that cake. I had zero control over it. And then afterwards, I felt pretty crappy. I know I text messaged you about it, but I really did feel bad. I let myself down. But starting today, I am recommitting myself to zero sweets. Now that the cake is gone, I don't have any temptations awaiting my failure. Except for the ice cream in the freezer. Poop. What do you think I should do?

Last night I also did a lot of laundry. Now you have clean boxers and freshly ironed shirts. I'm sorry I made you go so long without being sanitary. I thought about laying out your outfits for the week, but last time I did that, you made fun of me. And I'm going to try to go to the store tonight to finally get you some deodorant. I embrace your natural scent, but I am sure your colleagues in law school do not.

I have established a great routine now that I am employed. Before I leave the office, I change into my gym clothes. Because of our laundry situation, I also had to recycle clothing. After four days of working out in the same jogging pants, I figured I should change to shorts despite the 30 degree weather outside. I worked out at Snap fitness for exactly 45 minutes every single day last week. I bring my headphones and I get to watch one episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and half of Friends as I run/walk/jog/get dizzy. When I get home, Jake is always so happy to see me. The second he hears the garage door open, he starts barking and spazzing out. I kind of wish you did that, but I won't even mention it. He goes potty a few times on the bushes and then we play a little bit. I find something to fill my belly up, watch a few minutes of Bill O'Reilly, and then me and Jake go to bed. A few days this week I accidentally fell asleep before Bill read his e-mails for the day, so it is likely he read mine but I didn't get to hear it. What do you think I should do?

Jake's stomach is making really weird noises right now. I can hear it over the tv in the living room. But I'm not too worried about it, because last time this happened, I took him to the vet and the doctor assured me it was just gas. You and him are just the same. I love my family.

Well, I'm going to have to say my goodbyes because I have a busy evening ahead of me. I am a little disappointed that Desperate Housewives isn't coming on tonight, but it's not that big of a deal. I wish you were here so we could get the Christmas tree out of the attic. I would never go up there by myself. I'll just wait for you to finish your darn memo and then we can get into the holiday spirit. I miss the stew out of you. It's hard not getting to see you all the time. Even though it sucks, I am grateful that you are always there when I wake up in the morning. I always kiss you goodbye even though you don't acknowledge me. I don't get my feelings hurt because I know you are a sleeping machine and it takes a force of nature to wake you up. I'm so proud of you for working so hard at this law school stuff and for being a champion at everything you do. You are a good mate, Mate. I love you. Hope to see you around someday.



Chase and Adrea Maxwell said...

Dearest Kelly,

"Paid" is actually the correct way to spell what you mistakenly spelled "payed". You see, "payed" is actually a nautical term that means to let a ship fall off to leeward. You're welcome. I am, however, happy that you will be getting paid. And I never would have left you this comment if you would have never posted the kind directions regarding how to post a link.

Yours truly,

Russ and Megan said...

Oh, Kelly! How I remember those days. In fact, Russ lives with Rachael and has been all month. It will get better. You are hilarious and have NOT changed one bit! I love it!

Aaron and Kelly said...


I sincerely appreciate your assistance. I am horribly embarrassed that I misspelled such a commonly misspelled word. I am grateful for your keen sense of responsibility.


Anonymous said...

Aww roommate. I'm sorry youre husbandless these days. You'll always be my roommie, and you can come stay with me anytime you want. And Jake. Sometimes my husband is all wrapped up in Greek or Hebrew, so I can relate. We'll just get married, hows that sound?

Liz T. said...

I'm glad those memos are done and they get to study for exams...:-( :-( :-(
have a great thanksgiving!

Rossie said...

Hilarious.... I feel exactly the same way about Justin except the fact that instead of studying law he's studying marriage and family therapy... one would think that a PhD in MARRIAGE therapy would lead a therapist to spend time with his wife. I can't wait until "one day" gets here. :)

Nate said...

That's the funniest/saddest post I have ever read. Congratulations!