Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Read at your own risk.

Today was the kind of day that I can laugh at...now that it is over.

I'll skip the details about a grumpy Clark the Shark Tank, but I'm not going to skimp on the specifics of what happened between 3:30 and 4:00 this afternoon. Not because I think you are going to want to read anything I am about to write, but because 20 years from now, I'm going to want to remember this so I have something to discuss at the dinner table with Clark's future wife. And her parents. Especially if I don't like her.

This afternoon, I was helping Aaron with a project he's been working on while Clark was cruising around the coffee table in the living room. He was doing a great job of entertaining himself with anything he could find on the table and was being relatively easy at the moment. At one point, he stopped what he was doing, became really still, his face turned bright red, and we immediately knew he was pooping. This wasn't unusual. He doesn't conceal his pooping face very well. In fact, we had a big chuckle about it. We let him play around in the poo diaper for as long as we could stand it, but eventually the smell enveloped the entire house and it was unlivable. On the way to his room to change the poo diaper, Aaron noticed out of the corner of his eye that Jake had pooped in the guest bathroom. There were probably five or six small turds all over the place. It didn't cross Aaron's mind to go ahead and pick the turds up, instead he chose to leave them there.

You see, Aaron's philosophy when it comes to cleaning up Jake's poop is to leave it there for as long as it takes for the poop to get hard, and then pick it up so it is not as nasty. This means that he might step over turds and strategically dodge them all day long, as in, 18 or more hours, just because he doesn't want them to be soft. Please feel free to send him a text message or Facebook message telling him this is DISGUSTING and UNSANITARY and FREAKING GROSS. I'm pretty sure there is not one person on this globe that envies me.

Back to Clark's poo diaper. Well, Aaron and I were supposed to be teaming up to change Clark's most recent blowout, because this one literally was going to take two adults to even attempt to get his little hiney clean. But Aaron started gagging the moment I took the diaper off and had to run into our bathroom on the other side of the house to grab his surgical face mask. He bought the surgical face mask while we were living on the coast because the smell of Clark poop was enough to send him to the nearest garbage can, but unfortunately, he hasn't needed it very often. Have I mentioned how Clark only poops when Aaron's gone? I swear Clark's bowels do not move if Aaron is anywhere in his vicinity. I honestly cannot remember the last time Aaron had to change a poo diaper. I'm not bitter, but sometimes I want to break Aaron's right leg so he has to be home for an extended amount of time and then he would have to change a poo diaper. Unless of course Clark knew that his dad was home and made himself constipated until the second Aaron walked out the door. That would probably happen. Anyway, by the time Aaron entered the room decked out in all of his face mask glory, I was already putting a clean diaper on a clean hiney. So that was awesome and I wasn't mad at all.

We went back to the living room to resume working on Aaron's project, and Clark continued cruising around the coffee table and slamming everything possible on the ground. At some point while Aaron was going over his direct examination questions for a moot court competition and I was pretending to pay attention, Clark slipped away without us noticing. I think three minutes went by before I realized way too much time had passed without me hearing Clark babbling or causing a ruckus. I walked into the hallway and peered into the guest bathroom, and there he was, covered in Jake's latest bowel movement that Aaron consciously did not pick up when he first saw it. Clark had Jake's poop all up in his hair, all over his face, all over his hands, remnants of it was on his mouth, and apparently he had so much fun playing with it that he smeared it all over the tile floors and cabinets.

We immediately stripped him down and put him in the tub with at least seventeen gallons of bubble bath. The poop was so heavily caked on his body that it required using my fingernails to get it off of him, and believe me, that was an extremely unpleasant experience. Once all the poop was off of his body, I had to drain the tub because by that point, Clark was sharing a tub with hundreds of little poop flakes. I filled it up again and gave him the ultimate scrub down of the year. As I was finishing up and letting the water drain for the second time, Clark emptied his bladder and played in his stream of urine at the same time. He was sitting in a big puddle of his own pee and splashing around in it and I have probably never seen the kid so happy. So for the third time in ten minutes, I filled the bathtub up and gave Clark the world's quickest bath and before he had a chance to expel anymore bodily functions, I had him diapered and dressed and ready to conquer the world.

The moral of the story of is Jake is a terrible dog. The second moral of the story is that Aaron needs to start picking up poop the second he discovers it. The third is Clark doesn't need to eat anymore poop in his lifetime. And finally, Clark is an over curious infant and he must be watched at all times. I understand this today much better than I did yesterday.

I commend anybody who read this entire post without getting disgusted/nauseous and leaving, and I don't blame anyone who made the wise decision to never visit this blog again. But in Clark's defense, and using the words of my favorite childhood book...

Everyone Poops. So really its not a big deal to smear it on your face.


Mary Mel said...

made me smile....and a little sick to my stomach, but loved it nonetheless.

Megan said...

Oh my goodness! I love you roommie!

Deb said...


Annalee said...

That is great.... I can't wait to see what kind of shenanigans MaryCollis and Gerty get into!